Curse Of The TV Judges!
by Paul Rosenblum

"Hey, Your Honor! Your gavel has a splinter in it!"

When you go to a proctologist, you expect to be humiliated. You might not know the extent of the humiliation, but you know it's inevitable. When your private parts are shaved when awaiting surgery in a hospital, that's humiliating. If you bring a small claims suit against someone or someone brings one against you, you become part of a process where the evidence is presented in front of an unbiased party who will listen to the evidence, make a decision and figure out who's right and who's wrong by considering the way the law is written, then will send a ruling by U.S. mail to both litigants' homes. This entity is called Small Claims Court and the person in charge is called a judge. Humiliation should not be part of the equation.

But wait! We have a new twist to this scenario. You can bring a small claims lawsuit against someone and if you're "lucky," a television producer can come to you and say "Hey -- we have a TV show where you can bring your dispute if you dismiss it from the real system and agree that our ruling by our Judge is final and legal. Interested?" And the stopwatch starts. Tick. Tick. Tick. You think: Fifteen minutes of fame. National Television. Big Audience. This will be a story for the kids! And not too painful!

At the beginning of this TV "judgemania's" latest phase, Judge Joseph Wapner was on the bench of The People's Court. He was a nice guy who made decisions the way he saw them. He listened, he questioned, he ruled.

Enter Judge Judith Scheindlin (Judge Judy). The Mayor of New York City, Ed Koch, appointed her to New York's Family Court as a judge in 1982. Four years later, she was appointed to be the supervising judge in the borough of Manhattan in New York City. She was very well respected as a judge. So -- you've had a very successful career as a respected judge; now what do you do? After being approached by some producers, you accept a job as a TV judge. In other words, you sell out. You will be presiding over small claims court and you're told that your ruling will be final. Oh, and did I forget to tell you that the TV producers offer you more money than a real judge makes? You're a TV star! You can really make a difference. You have more power than you have ever had before. This is national TV. But the problem is, Judge Judy takes the "sewer" (sue her) to a new low.

Mills Lane, Judge Joe Brown and even Ms. Scheindlin's husband, Jerry, who has his own TV court, sometimes tell litigants that they are irresponsible, neglectful or just plain wrong about things, but they don't call people morons. Judge Judy Scheindlin does. I wonder what kind of person wants to go on national TV with a chance of being called a moron. And even more seriously, I question a Judge (TV or otherwise), who doesn't understand the difference between making a legal judgment and attacking the person.

Judy, Judy, Judy. What's the point? Do you think you're better than everybody? That you don't make mistakes? That you don't have immoral thoughts? Judges sit on pedestals, but this is ridiculous. Take a deep breath, and bring some respect back into your profession. The producers of this program also have an intro before each case, which says: "The Judges decision is final." Well, that's simply not true, since there was recently a case in New York where a Brooklyn judge overturned a decision in regard to a couple who appeared on Judge Judy.

The promos call this show "Judge Judy, the Judge with an attitude." Is this the Gunsmoke of courtroom shows? Well, get your six-shooter ready, Judy, cause here I come.

Judge Jerry of The People's Court has a habit of saying to litigants who, for example, didn't sign a contract something like: "Ma'am, Don't you think you should have signed a contract? Don't you think that would have been a good idea?" Judge Judy, in the same situation would have said: "Moron! Don't you have better brains that than?" It got me to thinking about how these two get along at home on a Saturday night. This is how I see it:

Jerry: (while looking in the refrigerator) "Honey, where's the Pumpernickel?

Judy: (rolling eyes) "Right where it should be, you moron. Use your brain."

Jerry: (scratching head) "But, ma'am, we don't have a contract confirming that fact."

Judy: (getting annoyed) "You're lying. Just look at the exact place where I left the bread. It's there."

Jerry: "But Madame, It's not here! And I want a piece of bread."

Judy: "You?re wrong, I'm right. Case dismissed. No sex for you tonight!"

The moral to this little tale? Sign a contract for everything, get signatures and if you can't find the bread, try the English muffins or the bagels.

Every TV Judge is allowed to have a style. Judge Jerry has a therapy session with every case. Judge Joe E. Brown sounds like a grandfather trying to solve a problem between his two grandsons. Judge Mills Lane still thinks he's refereeing a boxing fight between George Forman and Muhammad Ali, with his "Let's get it on" opening statement for each case. Judge Mablean Ephriam, Esquire, from Divorce Court, likes to get as low as the litigants and argues right along with them -- probably the result of a bad marriage.

What I'd like to know is this: How long are the actual court cases? Thirty minutes? One hour? How much editing do the shows' production companies do? If the evidence that I see on my television is the only evidence that these judges see, there are some very wrong decisions being made here.

By the way, notice that I haven't called anyone a "moron" or "stupid," although I'm tempted to? I'm only commenting on what I see and hear. Judge Judy, I won't stoop to your level. I don't like what you do on your show. I don't respect your show, but, however much I'd like to, I will not call you a moron. Sorry.

This is my court. All decisions are final.

If anyone doesn't agree... Sue me.

Paul Rosenblum is a publsihed writer who comes from a family of film and tv professionals.

Got a problem? Email Paul at cinewebzine@hotmail.com