Cut to Coral bitching Rachel out, "It's not fair to me, it's not fair to the roommates, and it sure as hell isn't fair to my guest!" Wait, back up a bit. Your guest? Just exactly who is this mystery person anyway? Are they so afraid of the filth that they decided to stay at a Holiday Inn? Rachel rolls her eyes and tells Coral it will get done as she explains in a confessional, "I don't like being told what to do." Whatever happened to the Rachel who was afraid of her own shadow? There are shots of the other roomies cleaning as proof that it has indeed been somewhat of a house rule. Rachel eventually shuts up and cleans up.

Not soon after the cleaning fiasco it becomes clear why the incident was shown to begin with, all of it to shown to weakly segue into Rachel's sheltered upbringing. As Rachel cleans we hear Nicole saying, "Rachel's an only child and I have a feeling that her mom cleans up for her." Hey, hey, HEY! As an only child I take personal offense to that remark. We all know what they say about assuming Nicole, it makes an ass out of you and me.

Rachel's on the phone with her mom who is saying typical mom-like things. "Are you doing ok? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you getting enough of the right stuff to eat? Are you eating fruits and vegetables? Remember, it's like three to five fruits and vegetables..." At first I think that Rachel's mom seems cute. I mean it's next to never that we get to see the parents every day reactions to their highly unusual situations. But then I think of all the times my mom would gripe to me and how I didn't think it was quite as cute. Who am I kidding talking in past tense here? Scratch that Rachel I feel your pain.

Rachel explains that her parents got divorced when she was two years old and so her mom and her are very dependant on each other. A HA! Take that you judgmental roommates who dismiss Rachel's attitude for selfish only child syndrome!

Lori and Coral are walking next to a bridge when Lori bursts out with, "It's moments like these when you're looking at these cars and you see somebody passing by. I'm so curious about like, their whole life. Like where is that guy going? Is he happy?" Whoa. Slow down there, Angela Chase. Coral delivers her, "I didn't get to enjoy being a kid when I was a kid" speech yet again, but this time she is comparing her life to Rachel's. Coral admits that sometimes, she envies Rachel and wishes she could make Rachel appreciate what she has more.

Mike's walking down 5th Avenue and sees Ellen, Jisela and Katie. I'm confused on the timeline with this one because there is both Jisela AND Katie, but whatever. Mike contacts everyone to let them know the "big news," the big news being that the Road Rules girls are in town. Whoop de freakin' do. Nicole sets the stage, "When any girls come in the house there's sexual energy and you know Jisela's got her own sexual energy going on." Does Nicole mean girls in general as in the girls who currently occupy the house, including herself or does she mean non-house girls wherein the guys have a chance to get some? Just wondering...

BIG HUG for Malik and Jisela. It's amazing what was showed on the casting special, but it's proving to be even MORE amazing what they didn't show. Case in point, Malik and Jisela's "reunited and it feels so good" montage. "Now that you're here I'm gonna get my groove on," announces Malik. Oh lord, I don't care what you mean, but for the love of Pete stop saying corny crap like that.

Nicole's dissing going to a strip club. Jisela invites her anyhow. Randy Rachel decides to tag along but not without checking her baggage first at the door, "I'm scared of every action I do. I'm afraid of not only how it is going to effect me, but how it's going to effect my mom." Rachel dear. Take a good look at me cause I'm you in about six years. It doesn't get much better kid so get used to it.

Rachel rationalizes going to a strip club over going to a bar because technically, she can legally get in to the strip club. Here's the catch though. The group heads out to a FEMALE strip club. Which begs the question-- why are the girls there anyhow? (Sophia you're obviously excluded from this rant). I mean really. If Rachel didn't get to go see naked girls would it be the end of the world? No. All she has to do is go stand in front of a mirror and call it a night. Hell, she even saves herself the cost of cover charge. At the club, everyone seems to be having fun but Rachel admits she doesn't "get it." Hmm, it could be because you're not drinking, but it could also be because you don't particularly enjoy some two-bit whore's ass in your face. It's a toss up really. But seriously, I must have missed out on this rite of passage. This must be the beginning of that generation gap the elders speak of sometimes.

Worldly Mike thinks Rachel should just stand up for herself. Rachel says she tries but that things don't change. Mike argues that he is an only child too. Rachel states, ."I'm really not THAT independent from my mom." Mike comes back with, "Do you want to be?" This my friends, is followed by the sounds of silence.

Malik explains the anatomy of his attraction to Jisela. "I like Jisela a lot because I like hanging out with people who have a lot of energy." I'm sure her being cute and flirtatious doesn't hurt much either. The crew heads out again and this time Rachel starts to come out of her shell, thanks to Jack "playa" Daniels. Rachel bumps and grinds with just about everyone on the cast of both shows, and a few blurred faced guys are thrown in for good measure.

Egging Rachel to show off takes a nasty turn when the group encourages her to attempt a poll dance on a crowded subway. Mike laughs, "Rachel tries to do a poll dance. It's so funny." The casts chant her name as Rachel flies, falling flat on her ass. It's like a watching a scene from Lucas. Mike chuckles, "Rachel has no future as a poll dancer at all." Damnit! Does that mean a career at Hooters is out too?

More of Malik and Jisela clicking. "Malik is feeling me the way that I feel him," oozes Jisela. Eww. Gross. She goes on to say that they have a ."extreme physical attraction" and that they are, "acting on it."

Nicole meanwhile is playing catch up on Rachel's escapades. It isn't until that moment that I realize her and Coral weren't there. Coral kicks herself for not going once she gets a rundown of Rachel's antics.

"It's hard cause I haven't found myself completely," says Rachel, sobbing. Sweetheart it's ok, you're only 18. Look at U2. After all these years they still haven't found what they are looking for.

Malik and Jisela hooked up. "The rocking in the bed was kind of soothing," giggles Sophia. Whatever Sophia, you so wish Malik was you and you were Malik. Coral and Nicole find out that Malik and Jisela did the deed and once again they curse what they missed by not going to the club. Well, if you want to get technical ladies, short of being Malik, Jisela or even Sophia- you didn't miss much.

"Our intimate moment has brought us closer and we have mad love for each other, " sighs Jisela. Cut to Malik bidding his ."lova" a goodbye as she heads off in a taxi. Malik rationalizes, "I eventually want to have, like a girlfriend." Note he's not quite up to the real kind yet ladies; he just wants the cheap imitation.

Rachel's mom calls to say hi and gets Kevin. He tells her that Rachel isn't home because she is at a Midtown concert. This worries mom because she now knows that Rachel went alone. Rachel's mom (gee I really wish I just the damn woman's name) half jokingly lectures Kevin about how she asked him to look after her. Kevin laughs nervously during the awkward phone call before saying, "Gee is that call waiting?" Rachel's mom says, ."Well, no I don't think I hear-" Click. Ok, so the last part is a white lie. He SO wished he did that though and so that's all that matters.

Rachel hangs out with the boys in the band and some dude takes her home. Her eyes practically pop out of her head as she talks about the phat limo she got to ride in. Coral voiceovers, "As long as she's doing what she wants, that's great." Her actual expression as Rachel is talking however, delivers an entirely different message all together.

Rachel and her mom are on the phone--again. I'm gathering this happened a whole lot more than we actually see. Like her mom could be an honorary cast member a la Vaj or that ugly Amazon model Joe went out with. Rachel's mom is bitching that she doesn't want Rachel going out alone, how she could get raped, how New York isn't safe. Suddenly I'm reminded of what I wrote just a few minutes ago about Rachel's mom being cute and how for a minute there, reality got away from me. Instead I think Will Smith said it best when he said, ."Take it from me, your parents just don't understand."

Janet Branagan is a freelance writer and pop culture lover from New Jersey.

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